i'm clearly not an infant. please get glasses.

I don't understand why people call other people "baby".
I get that it's a form of endearment. I do.

But out of all the words out there, can you find a better metaphor to describe me?
Because I really don't appreciate being compared to a pudgy infant that burps milk.
It gives my ego a beating. 

Babies aren't attractive.
They're cute in the oh look how fat his cheek is kind of way.
And I do hope that you're not friends with me because of the size of my cheeks.

i love ice cream.

Ice cream has healing powers.
I feel like ice cream could cure cancer one day.
Not really, but it's amazing how much better you feel after eating it.

And ice cream is always there for you when you need it.
Waiting in the freezer next to the microwavable dinners, just waiting for you to have a bad day so it can cheer you up.

I'm not saying you should go on an ice cream binge.
Actually that's counter effective.
Because if you have a whole bucket, the only thing that's accomplished is you feeling like a pig. And when you're eating ice cream, you're looking for a positive boost of emotions.
Not one where you feel fat.
So when you're eating, you need to have that perfect amount.
One where you feel pleasantly full, but not chubby.

And if you have toppings, kudos to you. Toppings make everything better.