Saturday, May 24, 2014

i'm scared.

Since I was young, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
And when I was little, because being a "grown up" seemed so far away, I thought I could be anyone I wanted to be. (Because I would eventually get there anyway with all the time that I had left)

I wanted to be President. I wanted to be an Olympian. I wanted to be a firefighter. I wanted to be the person who lit the fireworks on the fourth of July. I wanted to be the weatherman on the news. I wanted to be a voice actor for Disney. Hell, throw in my own Disney TV show while we're at it too.

And now, the future is a couple of years away.
And the time I thought I had vanished with it.
I turn 18 next year. I'm one year away from adulthood.
And that's scary. Because 17 years later I still don't know what I want.

People tell me that I should follow my dreams. But I should also be realistic.
What does that even mean?

It's funny because since I was a kid, I wanted to grow up.
I wanted to push a shopping cart around and buy my own groceries and have a career and accomplish real things and wear high heels to work and to have a briefcase and drink coffee in the morning while reading the New York Times (like the actual articles and not just the comics section).

And now that it's actually time for me to grow up, I don't feel ready. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of committing. I'm scared to decide where to apply to college. I'm scared of leaving. I'm scared of moving on.

I know that it's going to happen and it's going to happen no matter what, but that doesn't make me any less scared.

5 comments:

Jay said...

Yeah, I felt the same way at your age. Being scared is completely normal and it's also fine to not know what you want to do, hardly anybody did and almost no one does just one thing for their entire life anyway. Being scared is okay. Find what you're passionate about and do what you feel is meaningful. Life probably won't just hand you things but nothing worth having in life comes easy. From your writing I feel like you're a thinker and if you are I think you'll do fine.

Whimsical Youngster said...

I understand. I'm a 10th grader and about to graduate. I've got to choose a major soon enough once I get to university and I'm pretty decided now, but I remember thinking that I want to be this and then I want to be that the next day. The career options are endless!

Natalie said...

i'd just like to say that being a 'grown-up' doesn't necessarily mean that you have it all figured out. or that you can figure it out one way only to have everything work for you in the other direction. it's really scary, yes, i know, but also, don't sell yourself short. you really CAN do anything still and there is NOTHING holding you back. College is still a developmental period, where you figure out things about yourself you would never have the opportunity for in high school. it's one giant adventure filled to the brim with little tiny adventures. so, be scared. but also remember to be really, really excited. :)

Fiona said...

Thank you for your encouraging words and advice!
Jay: I definitely want to try to pursue something I feel passionate about, but I'm just afraid that I won't enjoy it later.
Whimsical Youngster: I feel the exact same way!
Natalie: Thank you for telling me that it's ok to be scared, but to be excited as well. I was so caught up in how nervous I am and I completely forgot that this process is also an exciting one! Thank you :)

Peak High said...

I have the same feelings with you when I was a child. toyswill